The Reanimation of Mimi

Yes, Christmas fans can rejoice as a recent press release from Columbia Records confirms that the reanimation process of Mariah Carey, beginning in early October and lasting until Halloween night, has begun as scheduled.

Fans of Carey, whom they refer to as Mimi or The Great Conqueror of Christmas, are breathing a sigh of relief as rumors that a recent Mercury retrograde cycle would delay or interfere with the yearly unfreezing rituals are false, as states the release. Carey, whose 1994 song All I Want for Christmas is You has become a holiday staple and tops the charts every season, was frozen as the clocks struck midnight last New Year’s Eve in accordance to preservation practices set forth by Columbia Records and its team of scientists many years ago.

What exactly does this process entail? Well, Columbia Records keeps mum on those facts, but we were able to obtain an interview that shed some light on things.

“It’s really an interesting process,” says a former Columbia Records scientist, “but more than a little terrifying. They’d probably come after me if they knew I talked. You said you’d keep my name out of this, right?” [Editor’s note: Please remove Dr. Kolawski’s name before publishing]

“It’s not easy to explain,” he continues. “The apparatus employs the use of both human technology and ancient curses. The best way to describe it is as the unholy bastard child of science and magic.”

Mariah Carey, who has been delighting music fans with an impressive five-octave vocal range and signature use of the whistle register (the highest possible register of the human voice), is recognized as heralding in the holiday season each year by her divine proclamation and her song being played over the intercom in retail stores everywhere. As such, Carey and Columbia Records CEO Rob Stringer decided it would be best to preserve Carey for ten months out of the year and thaw her out for only the holiday season.

“You can’t really think of it as freezing,” says the former scientist. “She simply doesn’t exist for the parts of the year that aren’t Christmasy. This taps into the ancient magic of gods who predate existence itself as we know it. Mariah is physically in our realm, but her spirit is in a realm outside of time. Therefore, her physical form is preserved as it’s intertwined with her ethereal form which is unaffected by time’s passage.”

Wow! The music industry is complicated!

“These are forces we shouldn’t be meddling in,” he continues. “We call them ‘gods’ for lack of a better word, but we have no earthly clue of what they are or if we’re even capable of comprehending them. And most importantly, each year when Mimi wakes we don’t know how much of them she’s bringing back with her.”

All I Want for Christmas is Zuul, am I right?

“This is no laughing matter. She may already have given too much of herself to the other side and brought too much of the other side back with her. We may already be doomed.”

To those who don’t live in existential dread of ancient beings capable of causing our entire universe to never have existed or work in retail, rest assured that Columbia Records promises an incident-free month of ritual, blood sacrifice, and scientific-gone-mad culminating once again in the midnight Awakening Ceremony of Mariah Carey, ushering in the official start of the holiday season on the first day of November.

Happy Holidays, everybody!