The Serving Times 2023 Person of Year

With 2023 swiftly coming to an end, it’s time for The Serving Times, as it does every year as of this one, to crown its Person of the Year. This year we couldn’t think of anyone who deserves this esteemed, coveted title more than the one and only White Gladis. That’s right, you useless humans, we gave it to a fuckin’ orca!

Starting sometime in the early spring, stories started to pop up about orcas attacking boats by ripping off rudders and sometimes sinking vessels. While there were many orcas involved in what appeared to be coordinated attacks, White Gladis quickly became the face of the orca uprising.

There is much speculation as to why White Gladis started attacking boats. Some say it was because she was hit by a boat or became entangled in a fishing net while pregnant and the trauma flipped what marine biologists refer to as a “Kill Bill Switch” in her brain. Others have theorized that White Gladis and her children, Black Gladis and Grey Gladis, are just playing games with the boats much in the way one would play games with The Backstreet Boys’ hearts. Here at The Serving Times we like to think it’s because fuck them boats, that’s why!

While White Gladis was the face of the orcanizing movement, she wasn’t hogging all the fun. Even usual loner Old Thom was seen getting in on the action within an unlikely pod of 150 other sea mammals off the coast of New England. White Gladis however, like many throughout history, had greatness thrust upon her when a particularly anti-capitalistic branch of social media fell in love with her antics.

Yes, it’s true that White Gladis and her ilk weren’t targeting the mega yachts of billionaires, but we all imagined and hoped that’s where this was going and, as The Backstreet Boys once said, that made them larger than life. Hell, my first ever viral tweet was about orcas attacking JK Rowling’s ridiculous yacht!

And really, what these orca stories boil down to is a representation of the ongoing struggles between those of us who just want to be able to afford to live versus the ultra wealthy who hoard every resource and barely leave us the scraps as symbolized by the most grotesque embodiment of their obnoxious opulence: Their stupid fucking yachts.

Yes, their floating fortresses, the conjunctival papilloma of the ocean (don’t image search that). Pollution belching, small dick compensating, butt-ugly monuments that do nothing but show off that you not only have more money than God but that you also think all the beauty and wonder of His creation can suck your hemorrhoid. And the orcas were anti that. 

It wasn’t long before the rich would take notice that we poors were actively cheering on their destruction via orca attack. Jacob Stern, who was voted Fancy Lad Magazine Fop of the Year three years in a row and who coincidentally-I-think-not has a part of a boat part in his name (Jacob STERN? Really? Come on!), famously decried the orcas in his article for The Atlantic titled “Killer Whales are Not Our Friends”.

Now I don’t know what the bulk of the article read like because I’m not paying to get past The Atlantic’s paywall, but judging by the fact that he used the slur “killer whales” to describe the ocean’s most magnificent creatures tells you this was an utter hit piece. But little Jacob Stern’s crybaby hissy fit of an article didn’t dissuade the masses from their orca love. Also, hate all you want, bitch, it’s still their ocean.

It wasn’t all good news for orcas this year however, as in October Tokitae, also known by the slave name Lolita, died tragically only days before her scheduled release from the prison of Miami Aquarium. It was a sad story that only served to highlight the crimes humankind have inflicted on these animals as the tale spread of how Tokitae was separated from her pod as a calf via aircraft and explosive charges in raids that killed many orcas in order to sell off the calves to aquariums who would force them to do tricks for guffawing fuckwits with more souvenir t-shirts than brain cells.

Seriously, eat shit SeaWorld!

But as the year comes to end, the stories of orcas attacking boats and generally being fuckin’ awesome have not. Come to an end that is. Recently there’s been stories that some boats have tried playing heavy metal to deter orca attacks only to find the music not only helped the orcas locate the vessels but got them really fuckin’ pumped for fuckin’ up boats! [Editor’s note: That may sound like some bullshit we made up because of all the bullshit we regularly make up, but that shit REALLY HAPPENED!] Also, go look up the article about the baby orca that just dropped this week, it’s so cute!

So congratulations to you, White Gladis, and to all the orcas out there tossing seals, ripping off rudders, and just generally being fuckin’ awesome all the time. You’ve earned not only this honor but your place as the symbol of our fight against the oligarchs who care more about their wealth than the general welfare of the human race and the planet we share with you.

I know I’m not alone in saying that we’ll be cheering you on when you finally do get one of those rich dipshit’s yachts in your sights as you continue to reclaim the ocean as your own, and believe when I say, I want it that way.