The Time Bonus

A lot has been said over the past few years about work-life balance and everything employers can do to help facilitate that. While most industries have barely scratched the surface of what they could be doing for their workers, the retail industry still manages to lag woefully behind. But one store’s general manager has teamed up with human resources to finally make a change for the better.

Gloria Lewis is an HR representative for big-box retailer All-In-One and is very excited to tell us about her store’s latest initiative to give their full-time employees more time away from work to enjoy their personal lives.

“Management approached me about this initiative months ago,” says Lewis, “and we’ve been working tirelessly to finally put it into action.”

“Our staff works very hard,” says general manager Kyle Moran, “and they deserve more than what we’ve previously been able to offer.”

Lewis and Moran call this initiative the “Time Bonus” which basically lowers the amount of time full-timers are required to put in during the week from just under forty hours to around thirty-two, essentially cutting down their workweek by one day.

“So I was at my desk scrolling my Facebook feed,” says Moran, “you know, for, um, news stories related to business and such, as I must for my job. Anyway, I kept seeing stories about four-day workweek that or four-day workweek this It got me thinking ‘Hey! Our employees might like a four-day workweek!’. I mean, I didn’t read the articles, but it seemed from the headlines that this was something people wanted.”

“Mr. Moran came to me with the idea and I thought it was wonderful!” says Lewis. “Very progressive! So we put together a committee of nine managers from around the store and we had meetings two or three times a week to hammer out the details, and before we knew it we were ready for implementation!” 

“Oh, it was a monumental waste of time,” says facilities manager Gary Hasslebeck, “but at least it was catered! All we ever did was argue about what to call the thing. Eventually Moran bursts in and says we needed to implement it by the next pay cycle, so he just looked up the word ‘gift’ on a thesaurus site and that’s where we landed on ‘Time Bonus’.”

“I wanted to make sure the word ‘gift’ or something similar was in there,” says Moran, “so it would be clear to everyone that that’s what this was: a gift to our hardest workers!”

Since nobody else on the committee seemed to know anything on the particulars of how the Time Bonus might work, we asked if this meant that full-time workers would receive their normal, five-day paycheck after only working four days.

“Oh, no no no,” says Gloria Lewis “they work thirty-two hours and they get paid for thirty-two hours. It’s very important that we make that distinction clear.”

Okay, so then would the bonus part come in the form of an hourly pay raise that would work out to equal the same amount they’d make during the lost hours?

“I don’t know what part of ‘Time Bonus’ you don't understand,” explains Kyle Moran. “The time is the bonus. We’re rewarding all our full-time workers with more time to spend outside the store. Get it?”

So what does the All-In-One staff think of this, uh, gift?

“Well I’d love to spend more time here than with my kids, and an extra day off would help out a lot,” says Jeni, a longtime returns worker who will no doubt need a second job to make ends meet, thus losing even more time with her family.

“Amen!” adds merchandiser Jackie Hartlage. “I like to do crafts, like make jewelry and stuff, and I could get a lot more done in that extra time!” Hartlage will probably need that time to ramp up her craft production as the drop in income will put extra pressure on her to monetize her hobby (that is if she can still afford craft supplies after paying for food and rent).

“This is so bogus,” says sales worker Jamal Powers, who sounds like he’s talking his way into an even bigger Time Bonus, “but thanks for the very considerate ‘gift’ of cutting my hours I guess."

“See, I knew they’d come to see it as a gift in the end!” says Lewis. “I just hope they take this time off, spend it wisely, and come back well-rested and ready to work!”

“Indeed!” adds Moran. “And work hard too, because there’s going to be a lot of slack to pick up since staffing is going to be a bit tight going forward.”

Speaking of tight staffing, won’t it mainly be the part-timers, who are less crucial, paid less, and less invested in the store's performance, who end up paying the price for this bonus?

“While it's understandable that our part-timers might be a little jealous,” says Lewis, “we hope this may motivate some of them to put in the effort to show us that they too might be worthy of full-time status in the future!”

Well, that’s not what we were–

“Realistically,” adds Moran, “many of them will now be level with full-time status, which is to say because this Time Bonus lowers full-time hours to the level they’re currently at. Hey look at that! They’re already getting the bonus!”

So then you’re going to be raising the part-timers' pay up to the level of the full-timers? Nevermind, don’t answer that, we already know you’re not.

“This is even stupider than the time they ‘gifted’ us new uniforms or offered us ‘unlimited bathroom breaks’ as an incentive,” adds sales worker Jamal Powers. “Management here is ass sometimes, for real.”

Update: At the time of publication, All-In-One management informs us that Jamal Powers has been given an increased bonus equal to 100% of his time. Congrats, Jamal!

While the full-timers get excited about having all this sudden free time, the managers of the Time Bonus Planning Committee are having themselves a little soiree in the back office conference room to celebrate a job well done.

“Oh, I think we did very good by our people today,” says Carol Lewis of HR holding a paper plate of several cocktail shrimp and cheese cubes on toothpicks. “Not many employers, especially in retail, have been this progressive in regards to work-life balance, and I’m sure the rock stars that work for us appreciate that! And also corporate. But you know, more importantly the rock stars.”

“Yes, I think we can be proud of what we did here today,” says GM Kyle Moran as he hastily closes a PowerPoint presentation being projected onto the wall which displays a graph showing how much lowering certain expenses increases the year-end cash bonus for managers, “very proud indeed.”

When asked if management might ever consider working a thirty-two hour week, Moran responds “Well that would be like sixteen more hours of work than I'm doing now! Oh you mean… Sorry, having wine at this thing was a bad idea. But no, the Time Bonus is strictly for hourly employees to enjoy!”

But can the Time Bonus really increase employee morale and somehow help the store's financial performance? Only time will tell that no, no it won't.