The Uninvited

Managers love their pithy, little phrases about customers. One manager however is about to meet a very unwelcome party crasher: Her own words thrown back in her face. And all over her house.

Vanessa Abondolo, sales manager for a Jacksonville area Costco Wholesale always prided herself on her outlook of making customers feel comfortable in her store.

“Customers are the only reason we even have a job,” says Abondolo, “and we should treat each one like a guest in our home!”

Not only does she strive to live this philosophy on the sales floor, but insists the employees under her do as well. Some take this attitude as an example to follow while others see it as just a common banality of working in a service industry. Others still find the idea offensive.

“She’s always saying that stuff,” says sales associate Gillian Eckert. “It’s the exact kind of horse crap you hear from managers who have the privilege of not having to be on the sales floor all day long.”

“If someone acted that way in my home,” says assistant sales manager Don Redford, “they’d be quickly meeting the sidewalk out front.”

“It’s legit gaslighting,” says sales associate Steve Parks. “These people torment us and make our jobs infinitely harder. I’ll never be grateful for that.”

“If she loves customers so much,” says merchandiser Daniel Kaplan, “why doesn’t she marry them? Rest in peace, Pee-Wee.”

While those who work closely with customers might find the philosophy kind of stupid or even irritating, most would opt to just tune it out and get on with their jobs, but Vanessa Abondolo’s staff were about to go above and beyond.

“It was so crazy,” says Gillain Eckert. “Don saw on Facebook that Vanessa was throwing a housewarming party that Friday night and then Daniel thought it would be funny to show up and act like customers. Crazy right?”

“I wasn’t being funny,” says Daniel Kaplan, “I was fully serious.”

“Daniel said we didn’t have the balls to do it,” says Steve, “and I was just like ‘I’ll do it if you do it’ thinking he’d back down.”

“Bro, I was fully serious!” adds Daniel.

“As a member of the management team, I regret giving them the idea,” says Don, “but as someone who’s had every possible bodily fluid from a customer on me at some point I didn’t discourage them.”

The notion floated around for a bit, staff members daring each other to do it, and by the time Friday night came around the plan was set.

“We had a few call-outs that night,” said Don Redford, “and I knew right away those crazy bastards were actually going to do it. Officially, it was over the line and they should be reprimanded accordingly.”

Another member of the management staff who wished to remain nameless says “I was legit so fucking proud. Good on them! But don’t say it was me who said that, say it like it was a different manager.”

The employees rendezvoused outside of Abondolo’s house and covertly made their way in.

“We let ourselves into the backyard,” says Gillian. “The gate was unlocked and there was a group of people smoking out there. We joined them and then made our way inside.”

“Haha, we actually second-acted her party!” says Daniel.

“I don’t remember inviting any of the staff,” says Abondolo on suddenly seeing a group of her employees in her home. “I’m pretty sure it’s against some HR policy actually, but I didn’t want to be rude and ask them to leave.”

But little did she know that a small act of courtesy would be the vehicle of her annoyance.

“I started small,” says Gillian, “moving stuff in the kitchen. Like swapping the onion and garlic powders and then moving the entire spice rack to the other side of the stove, putting her yogurt in the vegetable crisper, stuff like that so when she reached for something it would be slightly off from where she expected it. Let her spend a day doing go-backs in her own home, ha!"

"I'm not as subtle as Gillian," says Daniel, "I paint in broad strokes. I put several couch cushions in the shower and took a pound of ground beef out of the freezer and put it on the guestroom nightstand. She'll be sniffing that one out in a few days!"

"I found some leftover spaghetti in the fridge and ate in her bed, under the covers with my shoes on," says Steve. "When I was done eating I just stuffed the plate under the pillow."

Miriam from the sales team showed up with her two horrible kids, gave them each a Monster Energy Drink, and let them loose, stating "Not my house, not my problem".

“This is actually a pretty nice place,” says Dan as he kicks broken glass under the sofa. “Vanessa’s husband must be loaded!”

In the end, the team managed to give the house the full customer experience: There were crumbs and spills on the floor of most rooms, pee sprinkled on and around the toilet, packages of nonperishable food were opened and left on the pantry shelves, [what Miriam did in the guest bathroom sink has been redacted per Florida state law], used napkins and empty drink vessels were left on every possible surface, and Dan even got Vanessa’s husband to check “the back” of the refrigerator for more shrimp cocktail. 

“I can’t believe we got Paul from returns to show up with his pitbull,” says Gillian.

“Yeah, that was epic,” says Dan. “And the guy having a loud speaker phone conversation in the middle of the crowd was a nice touch. What department does he work in? I didn’t recognize him.”

“I don’t think he was with us,” says Gillian, “he was just an asshole.”

After a while, the coworkers were escorted out by Vanessa’s husband and a few of his friends, but they still consider the night to be a total success. Vanessa would now understand why customers would make horrible houseguests.

There was only one problem however: Vanessa’s feelings were hurt.

"I don't see why she's so upset," says assistant manager Don Redford. "Aren't houseguests the only reason we even have parties in the first place?"

Sara Klatskin, the store's human resources representative, approached Vanessa when stories of the unexpected partygoers got to her.

“Ms. Abondolo didn’t want any of the participants formally disciplined,” says Klatskin, “but she was hurt by their actions.”

“It seemed so hilarious at the time,” says Gillian, “and I guess it still is, but I do feel kind of bad.”

“Yeah,” agrees Steve. “Kind of fucked up to think of her trying to clean up our messes after we left, even though that’s pretty much what a closing shift is, but that still doesn’t justify that I threw her hand towel in the trash after washing my hands.”

“Oh my god, did you guys see when Paul's dog pooped on the lanai!?” adds Dan. “No, but really, yeah, I do feel bad and stuff.”

"Vanessa would be totally within her rights to ask that each participant be fired," says Klatskin. "It's just lucky for them that the incident happened outside of work and that Vanessa is being so forgiving. I have, however, encouraged each of them to, at the very least, apologize to Ms. Abondolo for what they did to her home."

Yes, as sweet as the revenge seemed to be, it did appear as if an apology was in order. The staff decided to make amends in a way befitting someone who has had to deal with that kind of stuff: By ordering a medium cheese pizza and leaving it on her desk two hours before her shift is scheduled to begin for her to enjoy on her lunch break.

So no hard feelings, right Vanessa?

Also, Daniel ate a slice of the pizza and left the crust in the box.