Halt Pass

A dangerous new trend is hitting schools this year maybe as students flood into classrooms with nefarious plans in mind perhaps. This year, when kids ask to use the restroom, whether they said “may I” or “can I” won’t be teachers’ biggest concern….

TikTok user SparkleTits420 reports “oh my god, I think the kids in my class are using the bathroom pass to make prison wine!” followed by a comment from user AngrySkinnTagg that read “oh yeah, I been hearing that too”, thus giving us the two confirmed sources we legally need to report this as fact! [Editor’s note: Please run this past the legal department before posting.]

If you’re a teacher, you may be wondering how to find out if your kids are sneaking off to make that sweet toilet hooch. Well, don’t you worry! Follow these 6 steps to ensure the kids in your care aren’t sneaking off to mix up a bowl of trouble.

1 – Do NOT let the child use the restroom

As we all know, children have very large bladders relative to the size of their bodies. [Editor’s note: For the love of God, please fact check this!]

Therefore, kids don’t need to use the restroom as often as they’d want you to believe.

If a child is asking to use the restroom simply let them know that the restroom is for emergencies ONLY! Any requests, and it is a request, should be denied if they are not in an emergency situation. And even if they say they are, they’re probably lying. You know, because kids are liars.

However, if you’re one of those fools who let’s their trust get the better of them, then proceed through the next five steps.

2 – Take the child’s cell phone

Unless you’re an AP science teacher and know for an absolute fact the student is a genius in the field of biochemistry, you can be certain the child probably doesn’t know how to make toilet tank alcohol. But they are getting that information somewhere.

As a teacher, you know that kids these days literally cannot learn a thing except from videos on the YouTube. To ensure the child does not have access to the instructional material they need it is recommended that you take not only their phone but any device that can be used to access that information, such as iPads, iWatches, Palm Pilots, Blackberries, and Game Boys.

And if they try to tell you they’re just trying to catch a Pokemon you just tell them “Then you can Pokemon Go right back to your seat, mister!”

3 – Give them a quick question

Kids are very forgetful, but can retain knowledge for short periods of time when they have to. If you give them the answer to a quick question they should be able to recite the answer to said question by the time they return from their business.

You see, kids have very short attention spans. If a kid has to do something complicated, for instance fermenting ketchup or jelly they stole from the cafeteria, then they probably won’t remember the answer by the time they get back, and then you got the little bastard! [Editor’s note: Please do not refer to children as “bastards”. The official stance of this publication is that children are not bastards.]

4 – Give them a time limit

This is an easy one. If a student takes any more than eight (8) minutes to do ANYTHING in the bathroom then they are probably up to no good and you should report them to the authorities immediately.

5 – Threaten to involve the parents

Obviously, children are terrified of their parents and even more terrified of going to the doctor.

If the child is requesting multiple trips to the bathroom within the same week, let them know you have no qualms about calling their parent or guardian and reporting a medical issue. If the idea of going to the principal doesn’t scare them perhaps the idea of unnecessary surgery will! [Editor’s note: JESUS CHRIST! DO NOT THREATEN KIDS WITH UNNECESSARY SURGERY, DON’T EVEN IMPLY IT!!!]

6 – Feel that relief!

Congratulations! If you’ve followed every step thus far then you’ve done your duty to ensure that no kids in your classroom can possibly be making toilet wine. Good job!

Now just make sure you know how to page the janitor.

[Fact checker’s note: Are you fuckin’ serious with this?]

[Editor’s note: Do not publish this article under any circumstances.]

The views of Eloise Wright do not reflect those of The Serving Times and shouldn’t be taken as advice by anybody.