Toon'd Out

Every year the entertainment industry strains and squeezes out more adaptations of older franchises in order to ensnare the attention of aging Millennials in a practice called “nostalgurbation”. But what happens when modern studios depart from the themes of the original and tack on their own political agenda?

“Go woke, go broke!” says totally normal guy and conservative YouTuber Derek Viceroy despite the fact that has literally never happened.

In the stupidest controversy du jour since they pretended whole milk was being oppressed, a new trailer for a movie based on a certain beloved 80s cartoon show has got Viceroy and his ilk up in arms. Again.

“This is a travesty!” shouts Viceroy in his latest video on the subject. “Can’t we have one character, just one, that they don't give pronouns to?”

The movie in question is a reboot of the classic animated series Guyfukker: The Rainbow Warrior which follows the titular hero Topper Guyfukker on his quest to save the planet Queermondia from a nefarious villain known as The Breeder. To aid his journey, Guyfukker wields the mythical sword Menetrator and rides into battle atop his ursine sidekick/steed Bear as he shouts his famous catchphrase “By the grace of Bottomere, I shall avenge thee!”.

The offending scene comes early in the teaser trailer which depicts the hero, prior to discovering the fantastical world of Queermondia, working in an office. For a brief second you can see his email signature reads “Topper D. Guyfukker (he/him), Logistics Manager”.

“Everybody knows that Topper Guyfukker was the epitome of manliness and the pronoun police ruined him!” continues Derek Viceroy, oblivious to the fact that “he/him” are still masculine pronouns and therefore denote manliness.

“It's like they're crapping all over my childhood!” rants Viceroy. “I had action figures of all the characters: Mouthful Munch, Braingiver the Wise, Stagly Hagly, Spuuji, and even Motley Manygenders! Oh man, and I had this huge crush on Guyfukker’s girlfriend Pearl Diver!”

I, uh, don't think they were…. You know what, nevermind.

“And now that's all gone!” concludes Viceroy, “because of woke! Also I think my mom sold all my toys at a tag sale.”

While you can make the argument that Derek Viceroy can just ignore the new movie and watch the classic Guyfukker series on DVD, he's not the only conservative talky mouth making a mountain out of this particular molehill.

Ben Shapiro of The Daily Wire has reportedly already written a 6,000 word review, despite the fact that the movie won't be released for another six months, in which he refers to it as “the worst thing the woke left’s done since giving Barbie a vagina”.

“Charlie Kirk messaged me from the future and told me this movie is going to bomb,” said Candace Owens of Turning Point USA.

Tim Poole of Timcast has said “Adding pronouns to this movie is a slap in the face to the monument to masculinity that was Guyfukker: Circling the Rim!”, referring to a crossover special in which Topper Guyfukker teams up fictional basketball team The Pound City Rimmers and is forced by The Red Malicious to take all five at once. In a basketball game I mean (obviously).

“Why does the left have to insert their political ideology into everything!?” cries Jeremy Boreing, director of the movie Lady Ballers.

“Used to be the kind of guy you wanna mess around with,” says Joe Rogan of The Joe Rogan Experience, “like maybe wrestle around a bit, get nice and sweaty, then hit the showers. But now the whole thing seems totally gay and shit.”

Amidst all this outrage, it's difficult to see why big studios even go through the trouble of adapting beloved intellectual properties from our collective childhood only to update the content to fit into a modern sensibility. That of course assumes they even care what this small albeit vocal cadre of extremely online right-wing influencers who always seem to find something to whine about thinks about it.

Until such a time that Hollywood decides to bend to the will of these people, we may all have to just accept the fact that even someone as manly and definitely super-straight as Topper Guyfukker can demonstrate the bare minimum of inclusivity. Otherwise, all we'll have to watch is like that horrible Rise of The Merlin movie or whatever the fuck Landman is.

“Do you all believe,” adds Derek Viceroy in his latest Guyfukker video, “that they cast a black guy to play Dom Fingerfists!? And of course it's Idris Elba again!”

Okay, yeah, these people shouldn't have any influence over the entertainment industry.

When asked for a counterpoint, LGBTQ influencer Buddy Bussy would only comment “Oh my God, nobody tell him!”.