Topping Spree

General manager Carl Mathers is in trouble. The numbers are in and they’re not good. The average transaction amount, customer conversion rate, and sell-through rates are all down this month with the only increase being in wait times. It seems the workers are generally apathetic and not engaging in their active-selling duties. Mathers is going to have to boost employee morale and motivation the only way he knows how….

“It’s hard to keep staff motivated these days,” says Mathers. “Every day you read stories online of these kids quiet quitting or whatever and treating jobs like burdens, not something to take pride in or have fun with.”

Mathers, who has been managing a large staff of retail workers for many years, has been trained both formally and practically in how to keep a store running like a well-oiled machine. He understands that it falls on the management team, not the staff itself, to ensure that every employee is working effectively, efficiently, and productively.

“Any expense is worth keeping the staff happy and working hard,” says Mathers. “Pizza just doesn’t cut it anymore. These days you need all the toppings, garlic knots, dippin’ sauces, side salads, whatever it takes!”

That’s right! The staff of Mathers’s store is in for one hell of a pizza party! All weekend long employees can come to the break room (during their designated break times) and enjoy a plethora of differently-topped pizza and sides. This will surely put all that talk of low productivity and lack of incentive to rest!

We spoke to the staff the day the memo went up at the timeclock to ask them how they felt about the big surprise.

“Literally nobody asked for pizza,” says merchandiser Abigale Lintz. “How am I supposed to run around this store and lift heavy boxes and shit after that? I’ll probably die.”

“I’ve been here two years and I’m still taking the bus to work,” says cashier Lenny Arnett, “because I can’t afford a car. I could give two soggy shits about pizza.”

“Wow,” says sales associate Elisha Foster, “it’s the same way they motivated me to read twelve books over the summer when I was in sixth grade.”

“They should pick a healthier food if they’re not gonna give us decent medical benefits,” says curbside order picker Richard Lennox.

“Every manager worth their salt knows,” says Mathers, “that your business cannot be successful if you can’t properly motivate your staff. You need to listen to them and meet them on their level, and if that means ordering pizza with pineapple on it, then let me tell you, you better order that pizza with pineapple! Pickles, jalapenos, I don’t care!”

“Pineapple?” says sales manager Nicole Puche. “He knows our staff are all adults right? They work hard and just want to earn enough to live on.”

“Okay, twist my arm,” says Mathers. “We’ll get the stuffed crust!”

Despite what some of the unappreciative naysayers who happen to be working today have to say about it, it’s a well-known phenomenon that nothing motivates a staff quite like pizza!

Take, for instance, a study done a few years ago that found that workers who were motivated by pizza were far more productive than those who were motivated by a cash bonus. This is totally legit as it was reported by several reputable business news websites. You can even read about the study itself from its source: as told anecdotally by Dan Ariely in his book Payoff: The Hidden Logic That Shapes Our Motivations. In it, Ariely tells us that one group of workers was given $30 and another a voucher for a pizza at a local restaurant to see who would produce more semiconductors. So you can see it’s totally relevant to this situation and completely not bullshit! [Editor’s note: Please look into whether or not this is relevant to this situation and not complete bullshit]

While Carl Mathers may have an uphill battle in motivating his staff, we’re sure that’ll all pass after this weekend’s pizza super party! Even those who seem less excited are sure to change their attitudes once they see exactly how much their manager cares about them.

“Oh,” adds Mathers hastily before we can depart, “We’re going to have three kinds of soda!”

Well that just seems wonderful. We’ll be sure to check in next week and see how things turn out!

Update: Yeah, like half the staff quit after that and those remaining are supposedly looking for other jobs. There’s still like 16 pizzas in the fridge there.