A Kinked Twink Chain Link

[Editor’s note: The views and opinions expressed in this piece are those of its author and not The Serving Times. Not that we necessarily disagree with anything expressed herein, but we just like to cover our asses in the case of impending backlash] 

Twinks. Some would think they’re plentiful. After all, more and more guys turn eighteen every day. Every community has a small queer subsection existing within it, whether you’d acknowledge it or not. Inside exists groups of young, fit, hairless gay men labeled “twinks”. Like any resource, however, the number of these sexy, sometimes barely-legal femmes is finite. This usually isn’t an issue since the twinks’ habitat is a self-sustaining one. Nonetheless, this sensitive ecosystem of insatiable young men is threatened when the republicans come into their community en masse.

No, we’re not talking about the inherent danger of bullying or other acts of aggression or violence against queer people. There is another issue hidden just under the surface of all the suited men who rush into town for right-wing gatherings. This, of course, is the problem of twink depletion around the times of these conventions, summits, rallies, or insurrections.

The cabal of deeply closeted republican men—often called “The Deep Closet”—use these gatherings away from their families to let loose and sample the local flavor—that being the eager holes of the area’s twinks. They’ve made news at this year’s Republican National Convention (RNC) in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for being so gay and horny they crashed Grindr, the premier no-strings-attached sex app for gay men in or out of the closet. This may have been the first time you heard of this phenomenon, but it’s become so common for the RNC that Grindr executives and insiders have dubbed it “The Grindr Super Bowl”. At any given time, you’ll find tons of new profiles full of torsos without faces looking for hookups and anonymous gay sex while they’re in town—an image any regular Grindr user can attest to.

Aside from putting so much traffic on the app that it could no longer function, these pent-up secret homos used up the area’s twink population, leaving nothing but scraps for the local tops.

“Oh, it was bad,” a Milwaukee bussy distributor who identified himself as ‘Lance Honeypot’ told us. “I mean, I don’t mind the action, and I’d heard the rumors on Spreddit—the secret Reddit for twinks and twink lovers. The moment I turned on my app, I had hundreds of messages that said everything from ‘hi’ to ‘into?’ to ‘sup?’. I couldn’t keep up with all of them!”

When asked a follow-up question about his experience, Lance replied, “Spreddit is invite only, honey, and I am not putting my ass on the line to send you a link!”

“And the dick pics!” Tyler Jayne, another local bussy distributor, exclaimed with a laugh. “I felt like the inspector at a hotdog factory! I didn’t even ask for them. I saw more republican dick than Reagan’s urologist!”

Ronald Reagan, our fortieth president and a republican icon, famously had issues with erectile dysfunction.

“Some of them said the most wildest shit!” Tyler continued as we tried to leave. “One of them said he wanted to—and I’m not making this up—I want to [explicit yet disturbingly sexy comment removed by straight editor]. You know what that means, I’m sure!” 

No, Tyler, I assure you I do not know what that means. 

“OK, I gotta go,” said Tyler. “I’m about to see my cousin so she can wax my taint for me.”

Lance and Tyler’s Grindr profiles blowing up with one-word messages and floppy dong pics aren’t the only problems faced by twinks when the GOP are visiting. The sheer amount of hardcore gay sex has left them worn out, sore, and hating themselves for what they’ve done. It begs the question: Why?

“Oh, like you have to ask,” Trevor Tre told us with a titter. “Most of these bitches are too afraid to admit it, but a lot of us have republican fathers who act like these bigoted assholes, and that gets us…ahem…them off. It’s like Christmas Time for daddy issues!”

Indeed it is. And twinks like Trevor dive in without so much as plugging their noses.

When it’s all over and the men of the Grand Old Party go home to their ‘unsuspecting’ families, they leave a slimy trail of destruction in their wake. The twinks who worked out their daddy issues on the Deep-Closet republicans in hotel rooms, public bathrooms, or the backseats of cars have to pick up the pieces and recover. Even the local glory holes have ‘out of service’ signs hanging over them. 

“They come to town, use up all our twinks, and leave nothing for the rest of us,” Bruce Peterson told us. He’s what’s considered a bear in the gay community, and we aren’t talking about Yogi. “It will be at least two months before I’ll be able to score with an anonymous twink again! They have no regard or consideration for who has to pay for their discretions once their convention is over. They came, they saw, they plowed through every twink in Milwaukee, and now they’re gone and their Grindr profiles are deleted. It’s a goddamn shame.”

I couldn’t agree more, Bruce.

This has been a common occurrence ever since sex and dating apps like Grindr have put horny young twinks at fingertips of republican men. The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which happens annually in National Harbor, Maryland, uses up and tosses away hundreds of twinks. The same happens at The Lincoln Dinner, which features republican presidential hopefuls who are also down to clown with some glistening femme bois. The Faith and Freedom Coalition's “Road to Majority” Conference brings together conservative political leaders, activists, and faith-based organizations, and they’re all looking to just snap these twink bitches in HALF. 

“The only one of these events I won’t touch are the Trump rallies,” said Brett Rawlins, a twink who follows these events like a groupie. “The rally nuts are way too aggressive. My friend Billy almost lost his butthole to some psychopath who wore nothing to their hookup but a red MAGA hat. Another friend I know from Spreddit couldn’t talk for a month after his ill-advised glory hole he set up for January Sixth.”

A lot of these gatherings get so bad out-of-town twinks are bussed in to meet the republicans’ demand, causing a supply shortage in neighboring areas.

“Every year the radius grows larger,” Cowboy Ron, a dude we met on the street outside a gay bar, told us. “I don’t know how we can keep this going. Republicans keep getting gayer and hornier the longer they stay in the closet, and something’s going to have to break before someone steps up to fix it.”

Yes, Cowboy Ron, someone is going to have to step up and fix this at some point. Until then, our supply of local twinks will be in danger when the republicans blow into town.

If you find yourself in the path of the storm, plan ahead and keep a twink or two on hand in the case of a long outage. If you have the means, support those who are hurting once the conventions or summits have ended. Above all else, stay the hell off Grindr if the Republicans are near to avoid a deluge of hookup requests and dick pics. Also, try to stay hydrated, that’s just always good advice. 

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