Two-Family Grouse

It’s like Bob Dylan once said: “The times they are a-changing”. These days, it seems the more the times a-change, the more beloved American institutions are just blowin’ in the wind as those who don’t even know who Bob Dylan even is are dropping them. In recent years, things like ringing doorbells, driving stick, having non-monetized hobbies, applying to jobs who refuse to tell you the pay rate, and writing in cursive to name a few have all fallen by Desolation Row. And now, Millennials and Gen Z are saying “it ain’t me babe” to yet another staple of the American way of life: traditional families.

Yes, it seems that the younger generations aren’t motivated to fully realize the true American dream: A TV in every room, two cars in every garage, a loving family to come home to, and a second, secret family in another town that your first family doesn't know about.

Is it that younger people don’t feel safe enough in the current economy and state of the world to hide a secret family in a second house somewhere? Or is it that social media has made keeping such a secret nearly impossible? Maybe it’s just that they’re Marxists and would rather eschew American traditions in exchange for a communist hellscape where tax dollars go toward infrastructure, healthcare, and feeding children instead of glorious battles in faraway lands, corporate subsidies that keep innovation alive, and beefing up law enforcement to keep our cities safe from the people who don’t like those first two things.

Whatever the reason, the younger generations don't seem to think that secret, second families have the rizz and might even find the entire concept highkey sus, no cap.

To gain insight, we spoke with a panel of Millennials and Zoomers about why they feel this American institution is dying.

“Are you serious!?” says Braydon Genovese, 24. “That is just straight out of pocket, fam, for real.”

“People actually did that!?” says Michelle Yuceer, 38. “Why are we still letting this generation run things if this is what their sense of morality is like!?”

“Wait, is that why my father wrote the wrong name on my birthday card that year?” asks Marc Brooke, 32.

No, he was just an inattentive father and maybe didn't like you much.

“There’s nothing wrong with ethical non-monogamy,” says Daniel Aegan, 43, “but this shit’s just wrong. It’s like… unethical non-monogamy!”

We asked if maybe the decision to only raise one family was due to modern day financial hardships and a difficult to navigate housing market.

“I can barely afford my rent while raising a cat,” says Jonathan Yuen, 34. “I couldn’t even dream of being able to afford a whole-ass second family. If I even wanted to, which would be crazy.”

“I’m working 40-plus hours a week and trying to promote my Shopify,” says Lizbeth Ames, 26. “I can’t imagine having the time to hide a second family. But also, why the crap would I? Oh hey, can you link to my Shopify when this goes up?”

No.

“Are you seriously going to make this issue another excuse to say we’re just bad at financial planning?” asks Ashleigh Munro, 30. “You’re all sick with this status quo stuff. Well we saw your status quo and your fucked up sense of morality and we don’t want any of it!”

“This is crazy to act like this was an institution for all Americans,” says Amari Gilet, 27. “This is just another example of people mistaking white privilege for an ‘American ideal’ that nobody other than white people of means could ever afford.”

Intrigued by the idea that having a second, secret family is another form of white privilege, which would lead us to understand and loudly proclaim that it’s probably wokeness killing off the concept, we spoke to Omar Smith, 74, a Black homeowner from College Park, Georgia.

“Oh yeah, that’s definitely some white folk stuff,” says Smith. “When I was coming up, we were barely making by with the family we had, nevermind the nonsense of pretending to go on some business trip to raise another. And if some fool was out there spreading it around, well it wasn’t a secret, everybody knew it. You’d come home one day and see that old dog Randy picking up his clothes and all his stuff off the lawn and you knew what he did. Not like the white folks hiding away extra kids here and there like squirrels getting ready for winter or something. No, that’s some nonsense right there.”

While it may stand to reason that the second American family is something that could only be attained by wealthy whites, the fact remains that many conservative talking heads and verified X formally known as Twitter accounts are warning that the end of this institution is a symptom of the death of the American dream.

But could the call to return to multi-familied normalcy be coming from the reality industry in order to shore up demand for more houses to be bought by private equity firms and rented out for more than a mortgage would cost? Or could it emanate from panic over the idea floated by some billionaires that our population is declining because they’re worried about the future of the human race and not because they need the blood of young workers to lube the gears of their toxic industry? Perhaps it could just be that the upper classes of this country don’t want to give up their definitely-not-sleazy-or-immoral lifestyles because public opinion suddenly shifted the other way. Or it could be, as stated earlier, wokeness.

Whatever the reason (probably wokeness), the fact of the matter remains that unless Millennials and Zoomers start setting up multiple families, this beloved American way of life may soon be knockin’ on heaven’s door.