Unsocial Media

After a humiliating, hilarious run at the Republican presidential nomination, Florida Governor Ron Desantis continues his reign of performative legislation back home, mostly centering on the supposed safety of children. This time, Desantis, also known as The Heel in Heels (he wishes), has signed bill HB3 which prohibits children under 14 from using social media.

“This a great day for the great state of Florida,” says DeSantis, standing behind a podium that disappointingly hides whatever fabulous footwear he’s sporting, “as we take yet another step to protect our children from the dangers of social media.”

Whether Desantis meant the usual imaginary dangers or the real dangers normally posed by the men of his own party, we don’t know. Nor do we have any inkling as to why DeSantis thinks it’s smart to alienate those who will be of voting age in four or five years time. It's also unclear if he used the word “step” as a reference to the aforementioned fabulous footwear. What we do know is that HB3, coming off the… heels of Congress’s recent vote that could potentially lead to a ban of TikTok, is that preteens’ ability to access and enjoy social media seems to be getting the… boot.

One question that the media and state government seem to be ignoring is that without social media what are Florida’s tweens supposed to do during their breaks at their night jobs?

“It’s kinda sus they keep telling us what we can and can’t look at,” says Jason, 11, who works several nights a week as a movie theater usher. “It’s giving 1984. But I usually need my break to work on my homework anyway, which right now is reading 1984.”

“I don’t see the point of taking a break if I’m not even allowed on TikTok or Insta,” says Khaleesi, 13, a retail cashier, “but that’s probably the point. These jobs just tryna to Fanum tax your break away from you!”

“Whatever,” says Connor, 12, who works in a meat packaging facility, “I’ll just start smoking on my breaks then, no cap, I don’t care.”

Well, if that’s not legal in Florida at the moment it probably will be soon.

“I feel bad for the kids,” says Frank Boyle, who manages several preteen workers at a Tampa Bay retailer. “Not only because they just have to sit there bored out of their minds on their breaks, but also because we have no idea where this ends. I don’t think it would be fair to exclude Addison, Langston, and Reighfyl from the Teams chat or to cut off their access to Outlook and SharePoint, but we don’t even know if that would be covered by this law or not!”

The fact that nobody would be upset about losing access to SharePoint aside, Boyle does bring up a valid point: While it’s obvious that HB3 would affect social media platforms such as TikTok, Instagram, Meta formerly known as Facebook, SnapChat formerly known as something people used, and Twitter currently known as X formerly known as Twitter, what else would fall under this law’s terms? Would tweens be allowed to leave YouTube comments about how Skibidi Toilet is so over? Could they still make fun of their cheugy aunt in the family WhatsApp group for using the word “cheugy”? Can gamers still yell racial slurs at each other in a Fortnite lobby (this is Florida we’re talking about)? And if this bill is affecting children’s ability to access the programs they need at work to get their schedules, switch shifts, submit overtime requests, etc, then maybe this bill needs more scrutiny and clearer definitions.

There are other potential issues with the bill as well. NetChoice; a social media coalition made up of platforms such as Meta, X, Google, and others; has publicly criticized the bill as unconstitutional. However, it's hard to want to take their side considering who makes up that coalition.

Despite all criticisms, members of Florida's GOP still fully support HB3.

“I wholeheartedly stand behind this legislation,” says Representative Matt Gaetz. “These social medias have been taking advantage of and endangering our young people for far too long! But for logistical reasons, I think we should specify that Venmo isn’t a social media. Venmo isn’t a social media, right guys?”

“I also support this bill,” says Senator Marco Rubio. “I mean, if I’m still around. I haven’t heard from me in a while, but I think I’m still around.”

“The time is up on these tech companies and their child grooming,” adds Marjorie Taylor Green– wait, nope, not from Florida. She’s got the Florida rizz, but she ain't from here. Don’t finish the quote and in fact never quote her again.

“None of us can afford to be on the sidelines,” says Florida House Speaker Paul Renner. “It’s our job to keep our children safe, and that means in our homes, in schools, at their places of employment, and yes, on social media too!”

While DeSantis formerly known as Meatball Ron seems confident in HB3, some worry (or hope) that this legislation fails to pass the mustard within the legal system. Other bills pushed by Governor DeSantis that were later struck down by Florida judges included a bill to turn the Seffner sinkhole into a state park, one giving DSW Shoes tax-exempt status in Tallahassee (presumably in exchange for some kind of… kick-back), and the infamous bill prohibiting members of the LGBTQ community from criticizing government officials (also known as the Don’t Slay, Gay bill). Could this bill also be struck down by virtue of its potential unconstitutionality?

“Everything I do, I keep The Constitution in mind,” says DeSantis. “I’m like Ray Charles in that. Remember how he always had Georgia on his mind? Well I’m like that except instead of Georgia it’s The Constitution. If anything came across my desk that was even in the slightest bit unconstitutional, I’d veto it immediately.”

It’s weird how it’s not unconstitutional for them to tell someone they can’t use a social media platform, but if the social media platform told them they couldn’t use their service then they would call that unconstitutional. Weird, right? So very weird….

When asked to explain how it is that preteen children are capable of holding employment but unable to safely use social media while on their mandatory break, DeSantis had this to say:

“It’s just fortunate for us that kids have no rights, at least not in my Florida they don’t. And if that's what's concerning you, well I think me and my corporate lobbyists can certainly think of a solution to the whole break issue….”

You know what, nevermind, forget we asked. Please don’t take away our breaks.