Veggie Wails

A Target store in Pinellas County, Florida has found itself mired in the indignation of a fringe, vocal minority. As with other such controversies of the past few years, frontline retail workers are taking the brunt of it, forcing store management to weigh the safety of their workers against a desire to not give in to ridiculous, childish demands.

“This is the second time this month I’ve had to rearrange the store over customer complaints,” says Mary Field, a planographer at the store. “It’s so stupid.”“All customers are welcome to walk past and ignore anything they don’t like,” says manager Phillip Limauro. “Or, you know, just not come in at all.”But some feel that Target’s promotion of certain products is way out of line.“It’s yucky, I don’t like it!” says Petey James, a toddler.Yes, it seems that many bratty children have been causing disruptions to the usual flow of business due to the store’s prominent merchandising of broccoli.

”National Vegetable Appreciation Month is coming up,” says Limauro, “so we thought we’d draw attention to broccoli and other veggies by placing items prominently in the produce, canned goods, and freezer departments as well as putting up some eye-catching displays.”“It’s poopoo and I hate it, BLECH!” says Addison Biles, another toddler as he stomps his foot in defiance in front a large cardboard standee of The Jolly Green Giant.“I’ve never seen such tantrums over merchandising,” says sales worker Dom Conti. “The whiny little shits act like we’re forcing them to have to eat it, like they don’t have the cognitive ability to understand that we just sell it, you know, because they’re kids.”“I no wanna eat stinky bwoccowi, and you can’t make me!” says five-year-old Tricia Goodwyn before blowing a raspberry at a store employee who’s restocking go-backs nearby.“Any adult would understand that the people working at the store level don’t have any control over what we stock or what we promote,” says Limauro, “but of course, these are babies and toddlers, so they don’t know that yet.”“It’s stupid!” shouts young Timothy Collins standing in the produce department as he hurls a broccoli bunch to the floor. “It’s dumb and stupid and I hate it! I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it!”Timothy’s mother could not be reached for comment as she’s like way over there on the other side of the department talking to her friend Deborah who she just randomly ran into.

Children’s hissy fits, as you may know, are par for the course for most retail shifts, but tensions between these immature babies, which I mean literally because they are literal toddlers, and the vegetables for which they have a bizarre and misguided hatred, are wreaking such havoc that the higher-ups can no longer turn a blind eye.“I was restocking the freezers last week,” says sales worker Chris Saunders, “and this kid saw what I was doing and just started screaming like ‘no vegetables, no!’. When I ignored him, he ripped open a bag of frozen cauliflower and started huckin’ ’em at me.”“Once patrons start getting violent with our staff,” says Limauro, “we have to step in and do something.”“Yo, those little florets hurt like a mug, for real!” adds Saunders.Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, this Pinellas County Target did have to remove some veggie-themed branding materials as well as make some products less visible in an attempt to stem the flow of little toddler crybaby tears. Because, again, we’re talking about actual babies who may be just cranky because they skipped nap time or need their sippy cup.“They just don’t understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them and what they like or dislike,” says Limauro. “You know, again, because they’re little kids, not adults who would definitely know better. Just fussy babies who haven’t learned to behave in public or accept other points of view on things like a perfectly healthy diet that includes fruits and green vegetables.”“NO!” screeches young Timothy Collins from the seat of a nearby shopping cart as if that settles the matter.While we will always encourage and applaud companies who make decisions in the best interest of their workers, it is bitter-sweet to see it happen this way. After all, even though the safety of retail workers is extremely important, it still feels wrong to give in to the demands of a few screaming children beating their fists on the ground and kicking their feet over something completely reasonable they could very easily choose to ignore and get on with their life. If we give in now, aren’t we just reinforcing in their still-developing little baby brains that this kind of behavior is not only acceptable but gets results?But what can you do? They’re just toddlers.