Walking Scrawl

It’s a typical day at big-box retailer All-In-One: The workers are going about their duties, the customers are browsing, and everything seems to be in order. But unbeknownst to the staff, there is a silent menace in their midst. An uncaring horror is stalking their departments, threatening to bring their world to a crashing halt. That’s right, there’s a manager on the sales floor and he’s taking notes!

Nothing strikes fear into the heart of retail merchandisers quite like the sight of a manager with a clipboard, his eyes likely judging every unfolded article of clothing and every disorderly end cap. His pen scribbles, possibly making to-do lists or piecing together new, convoluted procedures to try out. No, nothing good could ever come from a manager with a pen.

Jaden Williams is the first to notice and sounds the alarm.

“Watch out,” he tells a coworker in passing, “Mr. Wallace is walking around taking notes.”

Word spreads fast around the store. Shift supervisor Craig Barker tells his charges to “get [their] shit together”. Fitting room attendant Jennifer Pawlak is folding and restocking as fast as her carpal tunnel will let her. Merchandiser Greg Whitaker is fronting as if letting even a single speck of air exist between two products is a matter of life and death. Meanwhile, everyone is speculating as to what this means for their jobs.

“It can’t be anything good,” says Barker. “Mr. Wallace is the general manager, and if he’s on the sales floor it could only mean someone from district or corporate is coming, and that means a whole lot of extra work is coming for anyone’s department he finds lacking. God help those poor souls.”

“I think he’s Santamaxxing,” says cashier Mika Kolman, “making a list of who he likes and doesn’t like and anyone not licking his boots is gonna feel his wrath on their next pay raise. Tell him you like his tie, he’s got a thing for fancy ties.”

“Management gets this huge bonus tied to net profits,” says Clothing merchandiser Emiko Wada. “Net. That means he can jack up his bonus by cutting expenses, and what’s the biggest expense in retail? That’s right, staff salaries! These idiots cleaning up their departments are gonna be the first ones cut because a neat and orderly department always screams ‘too many people!’ to management. That’s why I’m not doing jack. In fact, I’m even gonna go toss some shirts around, maybe unbox some shoes, drop some pants on the floor. They’re not gonna cut any of us once he sees that!”

“Nah, they all got it wrong,” says Electronics sales associate Dean Mahaffey. “He’s doing that reverse interrogation technique. He’s just going to stand in front of you pretending to write stuff down and eventually the thought of what he might know breaks you and you start spilling, telling him everything.”

Whether Mr. Wallace is preparing for a corporate visit, evaluating the staff, eyeing potential budget cuts, or hunting down the rebel base remains unknown, yet everyone currently working at this All-In-One location seems to agree that dire consequences related to whatever he’s writing down are coming.

When asked to comment on his walkabout, Mr. Wallace had this to say:

“Oh, I just wanted to stretch my legs and work on my crossword puzzle,” he shows us a printout of the day’s New York Times crossword on his clipboard, which he has impressively begun filling out in ink. “I feel cooped up in that office sometimes so I think this is a nice way to spend a break.”

The staff, however, continues to stew in the perceived danger of what's to come. If Mr. Wallace only knew the kind of power he could wield with a pen and scratchpad, he might consider listening to an audiobook instead, lest he be tempted to let that power go to his head.

“Store looks great though!” he adds. “Except for a few rough spots in Clothing. Maybe we’ll need to take a look at who's working over there today and what they’ve been up to.”