Waymo Invasion

A northwest Atlanta family was shocked this morning when they woke up to find a wayward Waymo circling their living room.

Bryce Patterson says she was heading downstairs to make breakfast for her children, Jayden (6) and Jonathan (8), when she saw the fully autonomous vehicle in her house.

“Really, the last thing you expect to see in the morning,” says Bryce, “is a self-driving car circling your den, leaving tire tracks on your new rug.”

Aside from the ruined carpet, the Pattersons tell us they've noticed a few other bizarre occurrences that coincide with the invasive Waymo entering their home.

“All the leftovers in the fridge were gone,” says family patriarch Alan Patterson, “and whoever ate them made a real mess of the place. Not to mention the fact that the toilet was completely backed up and the $150 or so I had in a tray on my nightstand is suddenly gone!”

“The car deleted my Tomodachi Life save,” says young Jonathan, “and started a new game where everyone was named ‘Butt’ and they all had butts for faces.”

“I want Raisin Bran!” adds Jayden.

The Pattersons also inform us that several of their neighbors in the cul-de-sac have reported similar issues with squatting Waymos.

“I had a Waymo come into my den last week,” says Carl Duncan, who lives next door. “It went through my DVDs, tossing them all over, before landing on The Expendables 2. Then it left halfway through the movie like it was bored or something.”

“We had one wandering around our house while we were at work,” says Donna Ramsey from across the way. “It somehow got onto my iPad and sent my sister some extremely lewd messages. Like the kind of stuff that would make a sailor blush!”

“There's been a Waymo coming in and watching me sleep for weeks,” says neighbor from two houses down Simon Boyd. “It's usually pretty harmless except for the day I woke up at the airport in different clothes than what I went to bed in and saw the Waymo pulling away from the drop-off area.”

While the Pattersons and their neighbors try to figure out how to mitigate the annoyance of constant Waymo home invasions, the rest of us have to wonder if this is a taste of things to come as more machines become autonomous and AI gets shoved into everything. Can we expect to see automatic cat feeders jamming up the drive-thru line at Taco Bell? Could the espresso machine at Starbucks walk off and trash a Dunkin’ down the road? Will a robotic police dog go berserk and kill a bunch of people on a subway platform? Only time will tell.

[Editor's note: You better hope that last thing doesn't actually happen]

For now, until a solution can be found, perhaps having Waymos in our homes, making a mess, and possibly sexually harassing our loved ones is a necessary price to pay to live in this technical utopia. Besides, you don't want to complain about it and be labeled a “NIMBY”, do you?

At the time of posting, Waymo has not commented on why their cars are breaking into people's homes nor what, if anything, they plan to do about it.

A northwest Atlanta family was shocked this morning when they woke up to find a wayward Waymo circling their living room.

Bryce Patterson says she was heading downstairs to make breakfast for her children, Jayden (6) and Jonathan (8), when she saw the fully autonomous vehicle in her house.

“Really, the last thing you expect to see in the morning,” says Bryce, “is a self-driving car circling your den leaving, tire tracks on your new rug.”

Aside from the ruined carpet, the Pattersons tell us they've noticed a few other bizarre occurrences that coincide with the invasive Waymo entering their home.

“All the leftovers in the fridge were gone,” says family patriarch Alan Patterson, “and whoever ate them made a real mess of the place. Not to mention the fact that the toilet was completely backed up and the $150 or so I had in a tray on my nightstand is suddenly gone!”

“The car deleted my Tomodachi Life save,” says young Jonathan, “and started a new game where everyone was named ‘Butt’ and they all had butts for faces.”

“I want Raisin Bran!” adds Jayden.

The Pattersons also inform us that several of their neighbors in the cul-de-sac have reported similar issues with squatting Waymos.

“I had a Waymo come into my den last week,” says Carl Duncan, who lives next door. “It went through my DVDs, tossing them all over, before landing on The Expendables 2. Then it left halfway through the movie like it was bored or something.”

“We had one wandering around our house while we were at work,” says Donna Ramsey from across the way. “It somehow got onto my iPad and sent my sister some extremely lewd messages. Like the kind of stuff that would make a sailor blush!”

“There's been a Waymo coming in and watching me sleep for weeks,” says neighbor from two houses down Simon Boyd. “It's usually pretty harmless except for the day I woke up at the airport in different clothes than what I went to bed in and saw the Waymo pulling away from the drop-off area.”

While the Pattersons and their neighbors try to figure out how to mitigate the annoyance of constant Waymo home invasions, the rest of us have to wonder if this is a taste of things to come as more machines become autonomous and AI gets shoved into everything. Can we expect to see automatic cat feeders jamming up the drive-thru line at Taco Bell? Could the espresso machine at Starbucks walk off and trash a Dunkin’ down the road? Will a robotic police dog go berserk and kill a bunch of people on a subway platform? Only time will tell.

[Editor's note: You better hope that last thing doesn't actually happen]

For now, until a solution can be found, perhaps having Waymos in our homes, making a mess, and possibly sexually harassing our loved ones is a necessary price to pay to live in this technical utopia. Besides, you don't want to complain about it and be labeled a “NIMBY”, do you?

At the time of posting, Waymo has not commented on why their cars are breaking into people's homes nor what, if anything, they plan to do about it.