Sofa King Irate

After a long, probably stressful week at The Republican National Convention as well as receiving a record-breakingly low approval rating, senator and vice presidential candidate JD Vance (R, Ohio) decided to unwind with a trip to Swedish retailer IKEA Wednesday night, a task usually reserved for directly after church on Sunday. However what he found there was more than meatballs and products with unpronounceable names.

“This is absolutely ridiculous!” shouts Vance in the store's sofa department. “I demand to see your manager NOW!”

Apparently, given the recent social media rumors of Vance’s sexual liaison with a couch, loss prevention officer Glenn Murphy thought it prudent to ask the polarizing author and politician to leave the store immediately.

“I didn't read your book or anything,” says Murphy referring to Vance's autobiography Hillbilly Elegy, which supposedly contains the alleged love scene involving Vance, a latex glove, and his favorite sofa, “but I figured it’d be best for everybody here if you just left.”

“Never happened,” insists Vance as the store's manager arrives on scene. “You can read my book cover to cover, there's nothing in there about me and a sofa!”

“Well, I haven't read it either,” says manager Denise Ortega, “but given what all is being said right now and the fact that we sell some very, very sexy sofas, I’m standing by our security officer’s decision on this matter, I'm sorry.”

“This is so stupid,” says Vance shaking his head. “It's just a meme, a dang meme!”

Vance then looks around the department to the several IKEA employees and customers who were no doubt attracted to the area by the unfolding incident (or perhaps it was those sultry, naughty sofas).

“Somebody back me up on this!” shouts Vance addressing the small crowd. “Who here has actually read my book!?”

Everyone gathered just kind of look around at one another and shake their heads.

“Oh, come on!” shouts Vance, now completely losing his composure. “It was a bestseller! It was a major motion picture directed by Ron Howard for cripe’s sake!”

“Sir,” says loss prevention guard Murphy, “I highly doubt America's sweetheart Ron Howard would be involved in anything as unseemly as all that. Come on now, it's time for you to go.”

As Vance is escorted out, he shouts back over his shoulder that store management will be hearing from his lawyers. Unfortunately for IKEA, Vance does have legal precedent on his side given the outcome of the 1995 landmark case Gere v. PetCo.

“I did take some pleasure in that as a so-called ‘childless cat lady’,” says manager Ortega as calm falls back over the sofas department. “And honestly, admitting there is such a scene in the book would've gone a long way in convincing me that it never actually happened.”

At present time, The Serving Times cannot confirm nor refute the existence of a scene in Hillbilly Elegy depicting Senator Vance making love to a sofa as we ain't gonna read that crap neither.